the birth of benji kiwa

To start with, I'm no writer, so I'm sorry if this is disjointed or makes no sense. I've just kind of written it down as it comes to mind. I wasn't going to write it at all but there is part of it that, that although I can laugh at it, it still makes me really angry and I think that by getting it down it's going to help me let it go. It's also really quite long so I understand if you don't read it at all. Also, while I'm not afraid of birth and I do think it's an amazingly empowering experience, I'm the first to admit it's hard and it hurts. I have babies because I want children, not because I love the birth experience... and my story probably reflects that. Anyway, read on if you want and if you're not interested, feel free to pass it by...

In the weeks leading up to my due date, I had mixed feelings about the impending birth. There was no fear but having been through two before, one long and one intense, I couldn't help but feel a bit uncertain about things. Deep inside I felt I was in no hurry, baby hadn't dropped so a part of me knew he wasn't going to be arriving any time soon, despite being enormous and despite my previous two being early and just a day over their scan dates. Just as I suspected, that due date came and went and with it, no baby.

on the 21st june, a day after my Due Date I had my 40wk check up and during it, my midwife (who is also my GP and is amazing) mentioned that she was very surprised that I hadn't had the baby yet. She mentioned she was going away in 10 days but not to worry because she was positive I would have that baby by then. When I got home my heart fell. Reality check. I knew there was no way she'd be delivering this baby.

The next 2 weeks were spent trying anything and everything (within reason...) to get this baby moving. Braxton Hicks got stronger only to stop again and a sweep resulted in a major show and a 3 hour false labour, which left me sad and disappointed. I discovered what it truly felt like to be overdue. I got sick of the 'in there forever' and 'by the the time he comes out he'll have teeth and pubic hair' jokes and every time a nerve pinched in my back or legs, Luke's mum (who was staying with us) would jump up with excitement. On the last day of June, Jillian did a last check up before she handed me to her locum, hoping that I'd progressed further than the 1cm I was the previous appointment, with no such luck. June bug was not to be.

On the 2nd of July I met my back up midwife, Kay at the hospital for monitoring. She asked if I wanted another sweep, which I declined. I knew this baby wasn't going to be moving in a hurry and I agreed to be induced on the day I'd turn 42 weeks. Words cannot describe how I was feeling at the time. I'd had a romantic notion of how things were going to be this time round and I'd heard nothing but scary stories about inductions, with words like epidural and cesarean thrown around quite a bit.

At 7.30am on the 4th of July I was admitted to the maternity ward for induction. I was feeling quite overwhelmed, having met Kay just 48 hours beforehand. Kay introduced me to Leigh, the hospital midwife who would be looking after me for the induction, while Kay went home to get some sleep, after having been up all night delivering. I was monitored for an hour to see if anything was happening and then at 8.45 given an internal to check on any progress and given a dose of gel. I was left on the monitor for another 20 mins and then was allowed to get up and walk around the floor. Luke and I wandered around for a while before hunting out the cafe for a coffee and some morning tea. I had a little bit of cramping at that time, but sure enough, it came and went like I was told it would. We wandered around for a little more before heading back to the room where I stood over the bed, swaying and reading, trying to encourage babies head down. At 11.30 I sent Mum a text, letting her know that I was having a few aches but nothing exciting was happening and I'd let her know when I established labour. I then headed to the loo and noticed my pantyliner was saturated. I told Leigh I wasn't sure if my waters had broken (I'd never had them rupture naturally so had no idea what it felt like) or if I'd just peed myself from all the pressure down there. She took a look at it, gave me a fresh liner and said she'd check it in a hour to be sure.

At about 1pm, mum surprised us and arrived. She lives an hour away and didn't want to risk missing things because she was still on the road. Not long after she arrived, I started to get irregular crampy feelings through the my hamstrings. I grabbed at my legs to relieve the pain, but didn't associate them with contractions. I'd had so many pinching nerves in the last 4 weeks that I just thought they were pinching all over again. It wasn't until Leigh hooked me back up to the monitor at about 2.15 that I realised that the pinching was in fact contractions. While I was laying there, they quickly became regular, strong but still mild (if that makes sense?) and moved up into my back. As I lay there, Luke mum and I chatted and I breathed through the contractions which were coming at every 4 mins. Leigh came back with another midwife to let me know that it was time for a shift handover. Leigh checked the monitor results, told me I was definitely heading into labour and wouldn't be needing any more medical intervention or any antibiotics or internals. I was SO relieved. They left and the other midwife told me she'd be back shortly and I prepared myself mentally for a long night.

At 3pm on the dot, mum got up to visit the loo and as she was leaving the room I felt the mother of all surges followed by a pop and a gush. Luke gave me an odd look as he had heard the pop and I told him that my waters had definitely just broken. I got Luke to ring the help buzzer and waited, breathing my way through the surges, which had suddenly become very intense which the breaking of my waters. Eventually The replacement midwife arrived took a look at me and became flustered at my quick progress. I explained to her about my waters, so she checked my liner and confirmed that they had indeed ruptured. (well duh...) She then decided I needed an internal and a lure for antibiotics and left to get some supplies as I protested upon deaf ears. When she came back she was in her own world and despite being questioned by all 3 of us, took it upon herself to go ahead and insert the lure, telling me not to move while her own hands shook and while I was mid contraction. Of course it blew and I was covered in my own blood ~ something which I don't deal well with ~ and I felt myself start to shake. I told her I didn't want the bloody needle, I just needed to get into the delivery suite and she uttered something about hospital protocol and then left to call Kay and find a free room. She quickly returned, telling us to follow her to room 7 and then promptly left again, leaving Luke to support my shaking body through to the opposite end of the maternity ward. Of course we lost her and when we arrived in the delivery suite, room 7 was occupied. So there I stood, in the middle of the hallway, unable to move any further, hanging off Luke, trying not to panic through my contractions, Mums arms full of baggage, while the woman who was supposed to be caring for me had vanished into thin air. When she finally arrived she hurried us "well come on then!" and started to go into room seven before realising it was in fact occupied. " I can't move!" I exclaimed to her as she once more tried to hurry me into another room. I just wanted to punch this woman in the face.

I asked to get in the shower and was told I had to get on the bed and wait for Kay and I had to have the lure in whether I liked it or not. After she finished stabbing me up she left to find me a heat pack and I remember hissing "I HATE that woman" as she closed the door. I was so angry that she didn't want to listen to me. I wasn't in control. Who was the one having this effing baby after all? She turned up again and told me that she'd made a deal with an obstetrics intern, that he would be able to witness the delivery if he made me a heat pack. I just said 'whatever' to get her off my back and when she left, Luke voiced his disapproval. There was no way I'd be able to relax and give in fully to this labour if there was a foreign, male face watching me at my most vulnerable. I REALLY wanted to punch that woman in the face.

At 4pm, Kay walked through the door. She quickly dismissed Nurse Stabby (or Stabberlina as Luke has come to call her) and let me get into the shower, where I kneeled while Luke rubbed my back. Luke asked Kay to diffuse the intern situation and she agreed, having the same thoughts as him ~ I'd had enough new faces for the day and I just needed to be able to labour in peace. With Kays arrival I suddenly felt good. I could finally let go and just be inside my body. Although I'd only met her 48hours beforehand, her whole manner put me at ease and she coached me through the rest of the labour better that I ever could have imagined. I spent quite some time under the water, it high pressure bearing down on my back, Luke's strong hands rubbing the pain away, Mums idle chatter keeping me from going crazy and Kays kind way reassuring me that I was indeed cracking on and I'd be meeting this baby sooner than I'd probably thought. Through all this though I was still shaking and no matter how much I tried to just go with it, the shaking wouldn't stop.

Suddenly the feeling of the water on my back became annoying and the pressure in my bottom got almost unbearable and I had to get out of the shower right then. I was helped back to the bed, where I kneeled over the back of it in the same way that I'd delivered Finley. Mum stood over the back of it and I remember smiling at her happy face, while Luke changed out of his wet clothes. Suddenly the surges got stronger than I ever could have imagined before and I cried for Luke. I needed him there and he wasn't. He quickly finished getting changed and took my hand as he arrived at my side. At this point the contractions slowed a bit and I felt my mind become more aware. I asked why I couldn't stop shaking and Kay explained that sometimes in quick labours, especially inductions, Adrenaline takes over and I wouldn't be able to stop it until the baby arrived. after another surge I joked "someone please remind me why I'm doing this again" and Kay asked if I'd like some gas to get me through these last contractions. At that point I just gave in. 'Yes please' I said ~ only to be disappointed to discover the supply was out of order in this room and that all the portable units were in use. This is it, I told myself, blowing the pain away, This pain is good pain. This pain is good pain."Think of every contraction as your last" Kay told me. I tried to keep my mouth relaxed, moaning low through the surges and blew raspberries on the out breath to keep myself from tensing up when the pain was particularly hard. Luke held my hand and rubbed my back and told me I was awesome.

Suddenly the pressure was too much and I felt that instinctual urge, so I pushed as hard as I could physically manage. As I felt that familiar burn that informed me that baby wasn't too far away, Kay reminded me to be gentle, lots of little pushes. I barely remember Luke leaving my side to catch the baby. After I felt the burn subside a little I pushed with all my strength a few more times until I felt the surge of utter relief and the hearty cry of little lungs filled the room. It was 5pm on the dot.

I was shaking so much that I couldn't even turn around to look at him. I collapsed in sheer exhaustion. Mum rubbed my hair and helped me on to my back to see Luke embracing our newest little boy. I was amazed at how big he was and couldn't comprehend how that enormous body had fit in my belly. Luke handed me the chubby bundle and I was enamoured form that moment. No words can fully describe that feeling when you gaze into your child's eyes for the very first time.There he was, after 42 weeks of waiting and the most intense labour that I ever could have imagined. I felt another contraction and Kay delivered his placenta while I held him. I finally stopped shaking enough to offer him my breast, which he took eagerly (and we have still had no problems with!).

 

Kay asked if we had a name, to which Luke replied "Benji". It was a name we'd thrown around early in the pregnancy, but we hadn't settled on anything for sure. Nothing had felt quite right, until that moment. And it was perfect for him. Our chubby little Benji.

(also as a side note, we packed up and came home to our big boys that very same night ~ we ended up at the hospital for just 12 hours. The boys loved that we bought their new baby home straight away and I honestly cannot encourage it enough. Having a new baby is something the whole family is a part of, not just mother and baby. If you're a hospital birth-er like myself, with older children, and have no real (medical) reasons to be admitted overnight, please consider it. <3 )